Love says ‘I’ll be patient.” Attachment says “I need this now.” Love says “I’ll be kind.” Attachment says “I’ll do what it takes to get you to realize my dependency on you.” Love says “I will not envy.” Attachment says “I need more of your time and energy than anyone else does.” Love says “I will keep no record of wrongs.” Attachment says “I remember.. You owe me.” Love rejoices with the truth. Attachment stretches the truth. Love always protects. Attachment guards its own interests above everyone else’s. Love always trusts. Attachment doubts. Love always hopes. Attachment finds reasons not to hope. Love perseveres. Attachment withers.

Rejection.

The fear of man: being concerned with what people think about me

The fear of God: being concerned with what God thinks about me

People are inconsistent. But God is always happy with me, loves me, and thinks I’m awesome. So I would much rather fear God.

The fear of man is not just a fear... It is a temptation. It is a choice. Once I know what God says about me and thinks about me, I have the choice either to receive that as my identity, or to receive thoughts that are concerned with what people think. Being concerned about what people think is social anxiety. To live without this concern is to live in peace and freedom. But if we hold onto this concern, we will never reach our full potential to love. We have to get outside ourselves so we can be free to care for the souls of others.

But living without concern for what others think of me is HARD. And why is it hard? There is something desirable about the fear of man. It makes us feel safe if we are checking to make sure we are pleasing people. It helps us feel welcome, accepted, appreciated, & glorified. It is very hard to refuse to engage with what other people are thinking. But honestly it is none of our business, and it is sin to engage with these thoughts.

God is teaching me to be confident, not only in myself in the present tense, but to be confident in what I did, to be confident in what I said. It should be enough that He approves!

Contentment is an art form that I am determined to master.

Almost two months since returning from Africa, and I still don't feel as though I've gathered my bearings. I feel constantly shaken. People ask me "How was it?", as if it were a simple answer... equating it to a beachside vacation... "Just give me the high points!". It would be much easier to state what broke me, but no one wants to hear that, right?

It seems pretty angsty to state on a blog that I feel more alone than I ever have. Ironically, though, it feels more secure.

Sometimes I feel like everything is happening too fast and I am clutching at it, tight-fisted, and it is running out of the cracks, like sand or water.

Some scattered, post-Africa thoughts.

I've experienced love of the unfailing kind, the kind that never gives up but pursues me, even when I run like a wayward, disobedient child.

In the mornings, I sat with Him. I listened to the melodious sound of the Annankra family praising their Creator, I begged for His presence.

For a while, it was hard to distinguish His voice. After such a long time of refusing to listen to it, I didn’t know which voice was His, or mine, or someone else's.

Memories and feelings and hurts collided into an ensemble of my weaknesses. My hurt lay before me and there was nothing I could do but beg to be healed. My sin was oh so heavy, and I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing the depth of what I had done. There was so much I was sorry for. So much I wanted to forget.


If only I had chosen Him instead of myself, grace instead of my failed self reliance, passion and hope instead of harbored thoughts of fear of trust.

But God, my Redeemer, drew closer to me than I ever thought possible. In the quietness of the dawn He calmed my restless heart. I realized that there is no such thing as being too far from grace. “Too late” does not exist in the vocabulary of the Lord. And the sacrifice of my Savior is enough to cover it all.

It’s never too late, my love. You have wandered, that is true, but I have called you back to me. Do you know that you that my grace is enough for you? That your life will sing my praises? I have so much in store for you, just be patient, and wait on me.

In Yeji, the oppression, the islamic religion, it broke my heart. I realized that all that they were doing… none of it would be enough. My God is not a God who requires duty and law based living. He doesn’t give me specific times to pray, or forbid me to pray during a particular time of the month. And I’m happy, really, that these people trying to make a difference in the world (we all need people like that), but at first I was discouraged. I thought that maybe what I was doing wasn’t enough. But then I remembered, that I have something they don't have {yet}: the Holy Spirit.

ghana pics

I miss you.

Once you experience the indescribable love of the family of God, you begin to understand the most profound act of love that ever happened. The Lord gave me such a beautiful family {both immediate and spiritual} and when thinking and processing what full time overseas missions would look like, I will be ugly and honest and say I find myself already sad about saying goodbye to this particular family. I am the last person to advocate or welcome change - especially when that means saying goodbyes.

My Father gave His only Son... so that He could be glorified in us as we become His sons and daughters. This is especially raw and real to me right now.

First, I experienced love like no other. It was so amazing, I didn’t know such a height could be climbed. It was the radical, ridiculous love that was being shown to one another within my Emmaus family. It is beyond words. It is beyond words. It is truly other-worldly in nature. It’s lots of weeping. It’s weeping when we see each other, it’s weeping when we part, it’s weeping in sympathy when we hear of another going through a tough time, it’s weeping in celebration when our brother or sister is blessed in a mighty way. It’s feeling very deeply.

It’s knowing something more surely than you know the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s knowing I am loved and that’s never going to change.

It’s realizing that if I’m not loving, I’m not living. And learning to live an entire existence abiding in the love of Christ. It’s letting His love overtake me until I’m just a fool.

First I experienced this love, and I never wanted to leave. I grieved the thought of being apart from my family. A part of me thought I would be completely content sitting around a campfire, singing songs to the Lord... and I would have never grown tired of it for my whole life. ;-)

But the Lord gave me an opportunity to experience this love {step one}... and the second step is to carry it out to someone else. Many, many “someone’s”.

This lesson may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned in Ghana... at least, the lesson I’ve gleaned from Him thus far. For once, I feel I understand a bit of what the Lord felt when He gave His Son away. I bet He missed Him a lot. It was all for love. They both chose to share it with the world instead of keeping it for themselves. It took a great divide between them... but it brought billions into the Family - to be adopted to as daughters and sons!

I’m here in Ghana and even though 7 weeks hardly registers as a “sacrifice” - I miss my families so much! But I would send them all out in a heartbeat if it meant touching more lives, feeding the starving, adopting orphans and spreading His healing love to every nation.

I would send out all my best friends for love.

Jesus is not a cut-throat competition.

I’m beginning to notice a rather frustrating trend in the Christian Non-profit world. This topic has been festering for years, but always processed internally for fear of offending. In recognizing that truth [and really, the gospel] is offensive, I have finally transitioned my thoughts to paper.

Over the years, I’ve volunteered with various non-profits, been on the developing staff of multiple and am now a founding member of one that facilitates social involvement worldwide. I know this world - I breathe this world - I love this world... the majority of the time. This trend I’ve tried to avoid [but, I assure you, haven’t always been successful] is the one where we make sharing Jesus a cut-throat competition. We get defensive when someone else tries to step on our proverbial “turf”, and in essence - attempt to love the people we are already loving. As if we could somehow extend too much of that “love”. We turn up our noses when another missionary [outside of our elite group] passes by - or if we greet them at all, it is with icy cold insincerity. Our questions are poised and judgmental.

My question [to us all] - what is our purpose? If our purpose is merely to be a Christian humanist - reducing Jesus to some kind of product [whereas, you are saying your “package” of Jesus is better than mine] - we might as well quit now, before we make more of a mockery of our Lord.

However, if our purpose is worship, if our purpose is glorification of Christ, if our purpose is loving “them” like Jesus - why not begin by loving and serving and being in unity with one another? If we cannot fathom serving the person in front of us, then we have no business carrying His name to the ends of the earth.