be still, my heart.

i received a call tonight that i never imagined getting. steph called and said:

"elizabeth, i was just at shiloh and i'm not sure if this is true........."
"what's going on?"
"some of the kids kept... crying... and saying that... well, livela died. i didn't see valeria or cosylia to confirm it, but the kids were crying and they were really upset. i just thought you should know..."
"what??? how?"
"i don't know. and i don't even know if it's true... you know how communication can get a little fuzzy"
"oh, gosh. it can't be true. they would've called me..."
"will you let me know what you find out?"

my heart was pounding as i dialed the number to confirm what my heart couldn't bare to imagine. i feared dialing the number. the phone rang... over and over. i dialed again. 3 times. crying harder with each busy signal. finally someone answered. a man? he doesn't speak english. "who could it be?", i wondered... "justas? justas, is that you? are you home?" i asked, assuming he was still in jail. "yes, thees... ees... justas"

"JUSTAS!!! valeria? can i talk to valeria or tatizo?" [anyone that spoke english]. my eyes welled up with tears as i could hear cosylia sobbing in the background. "oh no, oh no, oh no" i whispered quietly to myself.

"allo?"
"valeria? it's elizabeth! oh valeria, are you okay?"
"hi, ayleesabit. yes, i fine"
"...is your family okay?"
"yes"
"...is LIVELA okay?" [not wanting to ask the inevitable question]
"...no. livela die."
"no... nonono. are you sure? what happened?"
"she just no wake up. the am.. amb... amb-oo-lance came with lights and they take her away. my mom cry."
"oh, valeria... valeria, are you okay???"
"i am fine"
"valeria, i am coming over tomorrow. ok??"
"ok"
"valeria...?"
"yes?"
"I LOVE YOU."
"i lahve you too. bye"

i sat, stagnant, on my bed and sobbed. this can't be true. what? there's no way this is happening. i close my eyes as i recall cosylias sobs in the background.

i can't do this.